I ended the last section with the question: What does a sista have to loose?
What do we have to loose? A community that never really had our backs? Hypocrites? What other people think?
It seems like BW are dammed if we do and damned if we don’t. So I say, DO what makes you happy and forget the “you’re selfish…selling out” bullshit. Isn’t that what everyone else does anyway?
You cannot concern yourself with what others think. I learned to do this and to develop a thick skin at an early age. I was always the outsider who was never “black enough.” I didn’t talk the right way. I didn’t have the right friends. I didn’t listen to the right music. I took an interest in my education. Now I don’t date the right men. I never really fit in so I just stopped trying. I really didn’t think that the issues that plagued me in high school would follow me into the “real world.” I was wrong and obviously naive.
I realize how difficult it is to have a thick skin when everything coming at you says that who you are is wrong; I’m obviously still struggling with this issue. What I have learned to do is to embrace people- all people- who embraced and accepted me. They didn’t try to change me, question my identity or loyalty, or guilt me into being more like them.
Some people would call me an assimilationist, a sell out, an Oreo, or even denatured. That’s fine with me. It’s not anything I haven’t already heard anyway so it’s really quite unoriginal. I live my life by my definitions not someone else’s.
I do want to touch on the loyalty issue for a moment here. I hold no loyalties to people who have proven themselves to not be loyal to me- no matter what their color. People who try to change you, brow beat you into submission, or tell you how you should be are not loyal to you. People who question your loyalty are not loyal to you. People who do not have your best interest at heart are not loyal to you. If you’ve encountered any of this in your life than take note of the company you keep.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
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6 comments:
i feel ya girl. . .i'm engaged to a wonderful man of German/Norweigan descent. though our coming together had nothing to do with race preference, and everything to do with having similar goals, backgrounds, interests, and values, i've had my share of stares and unwarrrented commentary. still, i've come to the same conclusion as you and have never been happier in my life! your blog is an encouragement!
Thank you for this blog. I thought it was just me. I would love to see BW embrace their natural beauty more. I see too many young ladies forsaking their natural hair and going completely with weaves and chemicals, but that's another blog.
I love the freedom of being who I am and loving whom I choose to love. Besides, it's not the BW's responsibility to save the black community. IMO, that burden belongs to the BM.
Rock on, Zabeth. You speak much truth and I know exactly what you illustrate as I've set up shop and gotten pretty comfy sitting outside the box myself! In the end, all we can be is true to ourselves with the mates we chose and the choices we make because it's the results that'll be affecting us as individuals most of all.
Always a pleasure to read your excellent posts!
I truly do not have a preference in bm or wm. My true preference is American and huge round brown eyes:) I have had strong physical attractions to both bm and wm. The latest one is one of my pastor's sons (wm). He was so stunning that I said to myself 'if he does not move away I won't hear another thing during this service'. He does not attend there often but maybe I will get a chance to meet him in the near future.
I have no qualms telling people of both races when I think a guy is cute. I may be more prone to talk to women about this than men. Most of the blacks I have known over the years know that I have no shame in who I like or find cute and will boldly confront anyone that dares to try and go off on me about it. I guess I'm old enough to not let what people think about me phase me (47-years-young).
In recent years I have found that my male friends have been wm. The hope is to meet and connect with someone where our lives and goals are similar and where there is true mutual love and respect. If I'm fortunate to marry that he will probably be a wm. That will be fine with me:)
zabeth said:
"I do want to touch on the loyalty issue for a moment here. I hold no loyalties to people who have proven themselves to not be loyal to me- no matter what their color. People who try to change you, brow beat you into submission, or tell you how you should be are not loyal to you. People who question your loyalty are not loyal to you. People who do not have your best interest at heart are not loyal to you. If you’ve encountered any of this in your life than take note of the company you keep."
This sums up my experience with the black "community". Blacks have always expected me to be loyal to a skin color, regardless of poor treatment by them. I don't play the game that way either. White people have always treated me with far more respect than blacks. I never allowed blacks to "beat me into submission" because I was too strong for it. I went to a school with very few blacks but the ones I went to school with were relentless (from elementary school-high school). I remember being in 2nd grade, wearing a Rolling Stones t-shirt and they went ballistic.
As you said "take note of the company you keep". Ha. I certainly do. Just as it's been my entire life, I've never had any close black friends at all because I'm sick and tired of people telling me there's something wrong with me. "I'm me and you can take me or leave me" has always been my attitude. I have NOTHING to prove to ANYONE, especially not to a collective group of people who've never, ever had my best interest at heart.
Black Velveteen...I had a similar experience in 5th grade. I had a little crush on a WM who I was acting in a play with and when my brother and his friends found out, they harassed me and ridiculed me to no end, making me feel like I had done something wrong. Unfortunately, I bowed to their will and stayed away from WMs throughout middle school and high school. What is ironic is that my brother and every one of his friends grew up and married or are dating white women. Go figure.
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