Using Our ASSets

There is a very interesting blogpost and discussion going on over at Sara's blog.

Along with the issues concerning BM and WW, it seems that one of the obstacles BW have to deal with in terms of dating IR is the perception of being a WM's "fetish." BW are seemingly uncomfortable with non-black men admiring their bodies and the physical attributes that make us unique. It seems that BW would prefer that non-black men admire things outside of the physical first. Unfortunately, THAT'S NOT REALITY.

What I find interesting is that many BW are COMOFORTABLE with BM expressing blatant interest in their body parts (i.e. big round booties) but become offended when white men do the same. For many years, hip hop videos that celebrated this particular feature were heralded as videos that showed BW as being just as beautiful and sexy as WW- specifically for our unique physical shape. So why is it all of a sudden inappropriate for a WM to view a BW's physical assets as sexy and alluring?

I think a lot of it has to do with the history of relations between blacks and whites in the western world. For centuries BW had their sexuality and attractiveness used against them. BW often had (and in many ways still do have) very little control over how their sexuality and image is portrayed. Those scars are still fresh today. To this day many black parents caution their daughters to be wary of white men and their interest in BW- believing that their interests may only be prurient or based on curiosity. Therefore I can understand why many BW are put off by WM who express physical interest first.

BW are not accustomed to seeing ourselves as sexy without it being done in a degrading way. I think we associate sexiness with derogatory (Jezebel anyone); therefore, when a WM makes a comment about our physical shape we automatically assume that it's inappropriate. It's not that BW don't want to look attractive men, it's that we don't know how to own our attractiveness. This of course does not mean that it is acceptable for the man to be vulgar or inappropriate in his approach.

The reality is that men - ALL MEN- are visual creatures. The first thing he is going to notice about you is your BODY and not your BRAIN. Deal with it. Your body alone WON'T keep him interested- it's the whole package that will. Some WM who prefer BW, prefer the uniqueness of our physical attributes as opposed to those of WW, AW, HW, etc. I've had them tell me that.

Yeah, that fetish scare is played out in the bc, especially among black women. White and Asian and Hispanic women who are as fetishized as we are aren't complaining when someone likes them for their physical attributes.

A lot of what's going on here is fear. Scare tactics designed to keep BW in the box and uninterested in non-black men. I'm sure there are non-black men who fetishize BW. My question is if he can be a good man to you, does it really matter? An argument could me made that BM fetishize BW.

IMO it is true that white, Asian, and Hispanic women have gotten over the idea of being fetishized. They've either turned it into a power or learned to use it to their advantage. This is what we need to learn to do.

All of this leads me to one question: Do BW really want to enter into relationships? If so, then why are so many of us so uptighgt? Why do we seem to have so many hang-ups about men and relationships?